As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.