BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Social Media and Real life
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore