ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
No. YOU-buprofen.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.