does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
sensitive skin
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
that de-escalated quickly
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.