I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Mad Max: Furry Road
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.