Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
got so much cardio in today
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.