streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
You Might Also Like
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
What’s a Messi?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
guys i’ve cracked the code
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My beach vacation Google searches
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.