‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!