If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
goldfish mafia
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
absolutely not
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.