You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”