If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
How all things should be taught/explained.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me