My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
inventing words: clothing
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.