In banana years, I am bread.
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes