What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
You Might Also Like
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’ve been drinking.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.