I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Ironic
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Potatoes were such a good idea
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.