[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no