I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m confused about plants
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward