If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My what?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮