They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9