[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.