Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
You Might Also Like
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass