[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably