Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
#FunnyLife Insects
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.