If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
The Weeknd is back
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.