Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking