*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.