Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs