2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.