My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
What even happened today?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.