New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent