Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.