My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
saving face 👀
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.