I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?