15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist