dads on road-trips be like
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Animal poetry
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
just witnessed a drug deal
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of