Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Don’t snitch tag.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.