I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.