My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
When does CPR become necrophilia?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Breaking news:
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty