[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.