I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
fired
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.