Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I feel this so hard
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Same pineapple, same
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
i was baptized in a car wash
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.