My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Wait a second…
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?