The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.