a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse