I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Nothing.
#SaturdayBears