Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.