If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
i guess his teacher was really pissed
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.