can I use a minion as a tampon
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?