A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Um … Hot Wings please
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If a snake ate a cake
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask