girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier